There were nights when I couldn’t sleep at all. I relied on prescribed sleeping pills— four or five nights a week.
I was worried about becoming dependent. But the pain of not sleeping was worse.
Still, things gradually began to change.
Around last November, I started having nights when I could sleep without medication. Not perfectly, but enough to feel that I was no longer in “that dark place.”
I even tried GABA supplements. I’m not sure if they helped, but I was desperate to do something.
Over these three years, my savings have increased— just a little.
When I look at the asset graph in my bank app, I see the sharp drop in June 2023. Every time I see it, I think:
That was the pitfall of my life.
Even so, I now try to focus on staying healthy.
On my days off, I move my body— swimming, cycling, or using the gym when the weather is bad.
Especially when I’m climbing a hill on my bike. In that moment, my mind becomes completely blank.
It’s one of the few times I can stop thinking about everything.
There’s a TV program I used to enjoy called Kokoro Tabi. I still remember a line from it:
“In life, the downhill is the best part.”
Ironically, my own “downhill” turned out to be the worst one imaginable.
Even so— I can’t stop. I have to keep moving, one step at a time.
I once had a dream.
A house in the countryside. A quiet life—reading on rainy days, working outdoors on sunny ones.
In the spring of 2023, I was close to making that dream real. I found a property, signed the contract, and the handover was scheduled for late June.
But just before that, I lost my funds to the scam.
I couldn’t complete the purchase.
I explained the situation to the real estate company, but canceling the contract meant paying a penalty. They reduced the amount and allowed installments, and I paid it off over about a year.
I must have been desperate back then.
As a result, that dream slipped away.
Even now, though, I sometimes browse rural property listings. I haven’t given up completely.
But I also know I have to consider how much time I have left.
Still, I want to keep moving forward— even if slowly.
I’m still recovering. There are still nights when I can’t sleep.
End of Episode 11(Part2)
→ Continue to Episode 12 (Highlights)
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